LONG ROAD HOME (14)

By Steven “Walks On The Grass” Maisenbacher
Photo by Gabriela Palai on Pexels.com

Part 1 – Spiritual Journey Toward Addiction Recovery

Chapter 14

From The Top To The Bottom

Man, almost as bad as being blindsided with this dang transfer “back to my region” was the fact that they sent me back to Yazoo. Let me tell you, I spent 3 years in Yazoo before I went to Petersburg. If there is a nastier more unprofessional prison in this system I haven’t seen it and Yazoo is the worst cesspool I have ever been in.

I had it made in Petersburg; I was able to make jewelry, a major financial lift and had a superior paying job that I loved, again making good money (in prison 300.00 + per month is a killer job) and the medical was finally going to fix my back. I had deteriorating vertebrae, with a chunk of a disk just sheared off and barely hanging on to the disk. By now the pain was getting so bad that nothing relieved it except being asleep, and even then I’m sure my dreams were affected.

But at least I had the 3rd MRI, had seen a specialist and a neurosurgeon, with the obvious surgical solutions clearly outlined and I had agreed to. I had been going thru this since before they transferred me from Yazoo to Petersburg. At the time the pain had been steadily increasing for 34 months. Then all of a sudden they are moving me again?!? This made me feel like they were avoiding the costs of the surgery and wanting to punish me with more pain.

But what the heck, it was too late to do anything except get to Yazoo and work on it so I arrive there for the 2nd time, and while in R&D doing the interview picture and unit assignment, who should walk in but the lieutenant from Coleman Low that had locked me up with that idiot “Chains” and sent me out of Florida to Yazoo the first time. Needless to say the BOP has never done anything but reward and promote staff that are trying to climb the government ladder so he is now a unit manager.

Of course he sees me and immediately it’s, “Well, Well, Well, what do we have here?” He asks the other cop what unit I’m assigned to then says, “No, put him in C Unit, I want to keep a close eye on him.” (great, just great.)

So now I’ve got a unit manager on my chain and I haven’t even made it out to the compound. I couldn’t realize at the time that he wouldn’t be that bad to have knowing me or my past extensive history of behaviors while in custody. He did seem to help me if he could and paved the way with other staff members to “leave me alone” and not try to harass or hassle me like they usually do.

I thought I knew what kind of hell I just arrived at, but when I get to the unit I find I clearly wasn’t ready for this. In the 3 years I was gone a new epidemic of K-2 hit the place, called synthetic weed, with a high that seems to all but zombify people. And the contraband cell-phone problem was the worst I had seen it anywhere. There were so many cell phones that the waiting line to use a bathroom stall was sometimes over an hour because guys would go in there where it’s private to look at porn.

The dorms were open and every vice known to man was rampant, it was horrible. At night the cell phones lit the place up like a city from a distance in the night sky and with the K-2 zombies wandering about, crossing the dorm was like trying to navigate the walking dead. The situation was simply crazy, absolutely out of control, and in fact the cops didn’t even try to control it. The dorm always smelled of weed and cigarettes. Being shoved in this place was really bad when you’re a guy who is real good at being bad but has turned his life around and is trying to stay on the spiritual path of the red road.

I got to the pipe carrier the next day; he was glad to see another Native there and acted like he had heard of me. That would not be surprising in the federal system; I have not always been a good man, but I have always rode native. So I go to the lodge the next Saturday morning and we set it up but I can see that he didn’t really have it down yet. He did know his own songs in Choctaw so it was at least a Native lodge and he seemed to be an ok guy. There was only one other brother there, a Cherokee from North Carolina named “Cherokee” (go figure). So we sweat and I ran a few. He wanted me to run every other sweat but I think it was mostly to share the burden, sometimes it is nice to be able to just concentrate on prayer, so there it was; at least the lodge was a haven from the hell hole of Yazoo, the dorm, and the staff.

The band room was another story entirely. When I was there the first time I had the best band on the yard and prisoners being prisoners let it be known to each other, “Oh walks and them guys are playing, we gotta go.” The place would be packed, standing room only. The other bands, well, not so much. Now, this time I get back, and find myself blackballed. It’s amazing how hateful and petty musicians can be; they went out of their way to keep the bands closed to me, to make sure I didn’t get to build a band or any of that, so I was never in any band nor did I have any band room time for a little “scream therapy.”

So I’m here, it’s all bad, there is no hobbycraft, no chance to make jewelry, no chance to get into Unicor, and if I did get in, the jobs are garbage. It’s a sewing factory but they don’t really work a lot; most of the time they are laid off due to no contracts and or failure to meet the contracts.

I’m living minute to minute, my back is killing me, and now I’m told by medical that they have lost the last MRI that was done so they will have to schedule me for another one. This means a wait of 3-4 months and then they would schedule a consult with a neurosurgeon so I’m looking at another 6-8 months before I can actually get the back fixed.

That’s it, enough is enough, I am not going to go thru this pain anymore. I know what will help me so if they won’t medicate me, I will do it myself. So I started smoking weed as needed for the pain, and it worked, so I just continued to do so. The living conditions were so bad that I finally told my case manager that I had been waiting for more than three years for back surgery, I had been transferred twice having gone thru the diagnostics process and was awaiting surgery, and I’m tired of being in pain.

Then I told him what I intended to do about it. I was going to smoke marijuana for the pain because ibuprofen doesn’t help but weed does and I would continue to do so until, “You people fix my back.”  They acted like I was wrong because I refused to tolerate the medical negligence any longer. Tough.

Now on the outside, I had always been a pot smoker, I love it because it could calm my anxieties and it would help with the aches and pains of growing older after having put my body through years of rough treatment. If I could, I would smoke pot every day. But let me be clear, until it is legal and I am off parole I cannot and will not use this. My will to be free and to stay out of trouble with the law is far greater than my need to smoke weed. So there it is: Hi, my name is Walks and I’m a pothead.

So anyway, all my candor with my case manager got me was a urine test. They called me over, said I needed to pee in the bottle.

“No problem, but I will tell you up front, its dirty for weed and will continue to be till my back is fixed.”

So 14 days later, I’m put in the hole for providing a positive urine sample for cannabinoids. Oops! Tough.

I go to the disciplinary hearing and tell them the same thing I have been saying all along, I did it because pot helps the pain, and I will continue to do it till they fix my back. He says the best thing he can do is transfer me. Now I also see a way to get out of Yazoo! or so I thought. Anyway, they give me 15 days in the hole and a disciplinary transfer, but they also raised my security points and are sending me back up in custody level to the mediums. Fine by me, at least in the mediums I will be in a cell and not a dorm and I’ll be able to get away from all the chaos. All of a sudden a few weeks later they tell me to get my stuff together, I am being transferred across the street to Yazoo medium!

Now, I’m not at all happy with that but at least I can get away from the low, even if it’s just across the street. Once I get there I find out that it’s a “political” yard and they have no sex offenders on the compound, or at least no known sex offenders. So I get there and I’m sent to my assigned unit. It’s ok, but it’s still Mississippi, where the staff is lazy and uneducated, racist and totally corrupt. So this place is rife with drugs and cell phones and problems as well. The only difference is the medium has cells, and I’m happy in that.

I’m still in constant pain and definitely going to medical about the back issues and the need for surgery, but in my mind I’m thinking, “Well, it’s right across the street, there is no way they will not have the same specialists and all that.” Wrong.

Why or how I don’t know, but once again they are playing stupid on the surgery. So I just continue to go about my daily life, but now I’m not smoking pot and the pain is roaring. One day I’m coming across the compound from medical about my back. I’m barely able to walk, kinda hunched over. A black woman stops me and asks if I’m all right.

“No, I’m not,” I say, and then unload my frustrations. I tell her all about how my back is severely damaged, I’ve been thru numerous MRI’s, several neurosurgeons, and three transfers have taken me away from the scheduled surgery I so drastically need. And now medical has just told me they will have to start all over again with the process.

She takes my name and number and I go on to the unit thinking, “Great, another staff that acts like they care but will do nothing.” Little do I know this woman is the warden and when she doesn’t like what is going on, she changes it. After I leave, she gets on the radio and calls medical, has them call me back over, and tells them she wants my medical status upgraded from Care Level 1 to Care Level 2.

So they did it and they tell me I will be medically transferred to a Care Level 2 institution, and I’ll be redesignated soon. A week goes by; the warden catches me in the chow hall and asks how I am doing. I tell her I’m being sent to a Care Level 2 facility. She just smiled and said she was sure things will work out. A couple days later I’m called to pack out to yet another new place; I’m told I’m going to Talladega, Alabama. I have been hearing how sweet this place is for decades.

                         VENGEANCE

What angers me are the things I see,
The trouble is the storm will rise again.
It’s what will be, you soon will see,
Now I see that you were never really my friend.

Chorus:
Conscience be your guide, sorrow deep inside,
Vengeance – vengeance. . .
Feelings cannot hide, all the times you lied,
Vengeance – vengeance. . .

Wretched cowards die and blacken the sky,
Enter ye here where there is no hope,
It’s where you’ll be and soon you’ll see,
Life is but a joke and the joke’s on you.

Chorus – Lead – Chorus

So the means will justify the end,
I can’t stop and you can’t win,
The road that strangely bent is now spent,
Nowhere left to go so pitch your tent.

Chorus –

Vengeance we’re told is best served cold,
At least that’s what I heard
Vengeance we’re taught is best served hot
But you must keep your nerve.

Conscience be your guide, sorrow deep inside,
Vengeance – vengeance. . .
Feelings cannot hide, all the times you lied,
Vengeance – vengeance. . .

Don’t say you ain’t never wanted some . . . Payback . . .
Vengeance . . .


Vengeance lyrics Drop D – E flat © Steven Maisenbacher (Walks On The Grass)
Walks’ Page

Who Am I & What Am I Doing Here?

Sacred Medicine Ways – Part 6

A Teaching by Ghost Dancer

How many of us sometimes wonder what we are doing here? What is our purpose? What is it that I’m missing? Do you keep searching all kinds of different beliefs looking for something that feels right? Do you feel you are missing something really important or does your life feel so good and complete that you are happy?

Let’s be honest with ourselves. Remember it is only ourselves we are fooling. Well let me ask you a big question, and to be fair I’ll ask it to apply to all religious beliefs. Okay? Where is the Spirit World? Where are the Akashic Records? Where is the Living Universal Library? Where is the Kingdom of Heaven? Where is Nirvana? Where is the Eleventh Heaven? So on and so on. Be truthful to yourself. Do you know? Remember we are all connected. We are all part of the whole. We are all one. Where are these mystical places? We all have had these answers always. Some of us have just been missing them. These places are always inside of you.

Buddha searched for decades looking for bliss, until finally one day, exhausted and half starved, he drank some water and ate some fruit and nuts and was content. Laying on a ledge he looked down into a pool of water below and saw his own reflection. He started laughing, for all these years he had looked everywhere but the right place.

Jesus said the kingdom of heaven is neither here nor there, but it is within you.

In judo, the sensei says the essence of all begins in your gi.

The medicine man said when you seek to find the spirit world all you need to do is look within.

Tashunka Witko (Crazy Horse) said the only real world is the spirit world.

We all seek these magical, spiritual places for answers, yet they have always been in reach right inside of us.

Now hold on, give me a minute here, why do you think I have been trying to get you to pay attention to you? To get you to love yourself, forgive yourself? To get you to quiet your mind and give up your flesh so you would find your own spirit? Why do you think we traditional Natives always say we are connected to everything? We are one with everything? We are all one. One mind, one thought, one spirit, one prayer?

An ancient proverb says, “He who seeks to know the universe will know nothing. While he who seeks to know his true self will know everything in the universe.” This is because we are one, and one with spirit. Spirit lives in everything. Yes, in each of us. When we go to the spirit world what is it? It is a world that is pure energy, of all that was, all that is, and all that will be. It is a place where we are shown what we need to do to walk in both universal planes of existence at the same time. Where we are given answers that seem impossible for us to know, yet it is there for us. It is a place where all life has power and knowledge that in this physical world we have forgotten.

Stop and think! In every religious belief, the teachers all have to fast and go into the wilderness to be blessed by Spirit. Now why is that? Why is it that they have to go out somewhere in nature: mountains, deserts, jungles, forest, even the ocean, to find Spirit? Why? So they can let go of all the distractions, illusions, selfish wants, and finally are able to quiet their minds and hear spirit! Every single teacher, prophet, shaman, priest, priestess, yogi, guru, sensei, master and messiah say that greater things than what they have done, each of us can do. Why? Because it is true. But only if we truly push ourselves to do these things.

Anyone who knows me always says, “Ghost, why do you push yourself so hard and far?” Well this is why. Because I truly love this world and all that exists in it. I love the universe and all the universes. Yes there are more than anyone can count. My life is my religion and my religion is my life. There is no separation. Can you do this? Yes you can, and I so want each of you to do this. It will take time. Anything worthwhile really and truly does. But now let’s get back to each of you so we can become we again!

What are you doing here? Come on let us hear what do you think you are doing here? What is your purpose? What is it that will make your life happy? What is your destiny? Each of you does have a purpose and a destiny in life, and each of you can have the happy life you want! All this is knowable if you chose to know it. I hear you. Nope, I can’t do this for you. I just want you to think about what is available to you.

Now I hear some of you saying, yeah boy, this guy is out there. Really? Just because you don’t know that knowledge yet doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist. It has existed since the beginning and always will be. It has just been forgotten. Lost and destroyed by those who fear for you to know these things. So much of our ancient knowledge has been lost and destroyed on purpose. Much is locked away in vaults so only a few know of its existence. Learning the knowledge of the Southeastern traditions is also learning the Mayan, Aztec, Inca, Cahokia, Serpent Mounds, Etowah, Ais, and so many more. Knowledge used to be shared.

What makes the Mayans different from the Egyptians? The Sumerians from the Atlanteans or the Amazonians? Nothing! Absolutely nothing! We all were given gifts and knowledge, none over or more than others. As a parent do you love one child more than another? No! So get that out of your head and remember that many people have put their own personal interpretations on things.

So now back to what you are searching for – your purpose, your destiny, to understand what are you doing here; why are you even interested in the old Native traditions. Why? Because you are searching for answers that your spirit wants to give. Remember, a closed mouth doesn’t get fed. Seek and you shall find! Just as you searched your own spirit to find your true self, do the same thing to ask for your purpose and destiny; for the path that will truly make you happy. You will be shown visions of things and if you don’t truly understand, ask to be shown so you will. Each of you has access to all the answers.

Your DNA, your blood, your cells are the Living Library of the Universe since the beginning of time. Now I hear you saying, Ghost, how am to talk to my DNA or blood or cells? Well, how did you talk to your true spirit? Can you visualize your DNA? Blood? Your cells? You will be able to access the knowledge that has been passed down since the beginning of creation and know it all. Just keep seeking within you. Now many people will ask, “Ghost why are you sharing all of this with us when no one else will?” My answer: Because it belongs to you. It belongs to all of us.

I’m proud to be a Red Stick. I’m proud of being a human being. I’m proud of being one with all. I was taught that knowledge doesn’t just belong to me; it belongs to everyone. I’m following my destiny. I’m living my happy life. I’m fulfilling my purpose. This is why I’m doing this. Also, I know so few truly know the old Native ways anymore and those who do worry about retaliations – being attacked, ridiculed, and even persecuted. I’m bull headed and don’t take well to anyone telling me, I can’t do something. I don’t like being bullied or threatened. I’m just not the one to cave.

Our gifts and knowledge are to be shared even if you must be careful of who you share it with. It’s like energy. When you draw in energy it is supposed to flow through you and then out of you. This way it doesn’t stagnate. It’s the same with knowledge. If knowledge just sits inside of you and you do not use it or share it, then it too will become stagnant. Same with your gifts. You must use your gifts to get stronger and better. If you do not, they too will stagnate and be no good. You might say you haven’t used this knowledge all these years. Why would this be different? Look at it this way: If you don’t know something, does that make you liable or responsible for what you don’t know?

Yes, many Natives even get upset with me for teaching others who are not Native. But then I remind them of our true belief that we are all related and I follow Spirit. I am always going to do that. Later we will discuss the Spirit World more in-depth and in comparison to the other names for it. Now our goal is to get you to realize your true potential and how important you are.

Traditionally, we look at our circle (our people) as only as strong as our weakest link. Like a wagon wheel with a weak spoke. All the other spokes must help protect until it is stronger or fixed, so the wheel stays strong. We are all here to help one another. When we begin doing more and more to help ourselves and others, we will all see how much better life will be.

Respectfully, Ghost

Ghost Dancer © 2017

LONG ROAD HOME (13)

By Steven “Walks On The Grass” Maisenbacher
Photo by Gabriela Palai on Pexels.com

Part 1 – Spiritual Journey Toward Addiction Recovery

Chapter 13

Twenty-One Songs

In my free time, which wasn’t much considering my work and my first love, singing with the band, I continued to develop my jewelry-making skills as well. There in Petersburg, I was allowed to order pretty much whatever I wanted in the way of gemstones and supplies. The majority of my crafting was done sitting outside on the patio at recreation. Looking thru the fence I could see the US Army training facility for tank and military vehicle rescue across the highway. It was interesting to be able to watch the maneuvers of tanks and tracked vehicles doing all sorts of cool stuff while I worked.

At Petersburg, I was always able to do the right things. I had my work, my music and I continued to grow in my personal spiritual journey with each sweat lodge I attended. The Native circle wasn’t a formal one, there was not a method to become a member, just attendance or not attendance; the one  point of criteria was that you had to be registered with the chaplain as Native American. The only real problem I had to deal with was my ever-worsening back pain. I had seen another specialist and had more MRI’s done, but months went by and I was never scheduled for corrective surgery.

Now, let me tell you, in prison you always know your world can fall apart in a heartbeat. Like when I was simply going to ask about my birth certificate, the last thing I expected to hear was, “You can get it at the next institution, you’re designated and awaiting transfer.”

WHAT? I knew nothing about this! Out of a clear blue sky they drop this on me! No, No, No… my sister had already booked the flight and reservations for the hotel and was coming to see me from the Netherlands! Yeah, I went a little crazy, but finally talked sense into them and they agreed to pull me off the transfer list if she would send proof of her itinerary, tickets and all that. No problem, Leontien provided what they needed and they put me on transfer hold till after the visit.

So the days go by, now I’m scrambling to buy a bunch of stuff that I knew they don’t have in Yazoo.  Yes, they had redesignated me right back to the very same place I left to go to Petersburg and I left because I absolutely hated it there.

Anyway while all this is going on I had another major jewelry order in, more than $300.00 worth of materials set to arrive the following week, so I’m sweating that as well. See, when you order supplies through the recreation department’s hobby crafts, you cannot take them with you if you are relocated, so you lose your investment. I knew I could easily work out of those materials if I were in a hurry and had five days to do nothing but building jewelry. I get the visit, everything to be expected, and more. (Thank you again, Leontien, I love you.) Then the very next day my jewelry order arrives and my case manager tells me they have re-entered the order for my transfer and as soon as the marshals are ready to move I will be going.

So feeling the squeeze, I bought 2 bags of coffee and spent 73 hours awake building jewelry, all at once, no sleep nor rest, just a soup on the run and more coffee. I literally set up 10 necklace builds at a time and ended up with over 200 pieces including necklaces, bracelets, earrings, sets and all variations, multiple types and styles. It was crazy the amount of jewelry I managed to build in this marathon knowing it was stay awake and get it done or lose the opportunity to turn my investment into income down the road. When I finished I gave all my left-over materials to a guy who was interested in the craft and mailed the jewelry out to Paints On The Rocks and Karen where it’s still waiting for me to get out so I can start marketing my Rocks On A String line of jewelry to help make a living. So don’t go away, it’ll be available in a little over a year! Smile.

~~~

Now I want to take a minute to talk about the band I had there in Petersburg! This is where my heart was and if I do say so, we were incredible. The caliber of musicians was intense; we had been playing some cool copy tunes, by bands like Iron Maiden, Judas Priest, Black Sabbath, Dio, and Queensryche. Then overnight we stepped it up when the guitarist said he was sick of cover tunes.

“Walks,” he asked, “Can you write?”

“Not only can I…but I have!”

The next practice I came in with my red folder that had been packed. Inside were the 21 song lyrics I had written over the duration of the treatment for Hepatitis C back in Beaumont Low a few years before.

I just told Mike, “You play, I’ll figure it out.” You would not believe how it went, the guys just fell into it and the jams that Mike and Frank and Tex came up with were totally unbelievable! We were so good that the cops on the compound would come and stand outside the plate glass window listening to us. They would stop me on the compound and go, “Man you guys are something else, when are you playing again?”

Twenty-One Songs

  1.  Deep End
  2.  Self Portrait
  3.  Peaceful At Night
  4.  Camouflage
  5.  Footnote
  6.  Breathe
  7.  Vengeance
  8.  Jealousy Is A Poison
  9.  Dying All Over Again
  10.  Insane
  11.  Twice Baked
  12.  Here and Well
  13.  Pirate
  14.  Peanut Butter
  15.  Bad Day – Go Away
  16.  Then Change It
  17.  Dear Friend
  18.  Sober
  19.  White Noise
  20.  Shame
  21.  Free Here Now

In a matter of six months we went from having no original songs to a total of 26 songs, all original. We could play 3 1/2 hours nonstop; we would go into the band room at 5pm and still be jamming at 8:30pm when they called recall!

We did 2 concerts there at Petersburg and I truly believe that was one of the best bands and line ups I have ever been in. Some of the lyrics you will see in these pages; there sure are some that stand out to me, like Footnote or White Noise or  Robocop or even Camouflage, all so dang good and true-to-life interesting.

You would be amazed at what prison bands can do. This is the Set List for our President’s Day Concert on February 19, 2012 at FCI Low, Petersburg, Virginia.

Editor’s Note: The song, Robo Cop, may be seen by some as “politically incorrect,” so it’s important to understand the story behind it. The song was written in direct response to a particular staff member there at Petersburg who stepped far out of bounds in his abuse of power and disrespect for the rights of the inmates. Whenever Walks sang this song in the band room, even the other guards listening knew its meaning and appreciated this musical call-out of the man’s obnoxious and offensive behavior. 

ROBO COP
I finally got a job where I can just be me,
Worthless where I serve no purpose, working for the BOP,
I’ll talk real low so my voice is always heard,
I’ll try to act legit when I’m really just a psychopathic turd.

I’m gonna save the universe one onion at a time
I don’t care where you’re going, I’ll make you stand in line.
Touching and groping and fondling, yea, that is what I do,
If you don’t let me rub on you, you’re gonna go to the SHU.

Chorus:
Sir – Sir, can you step over here,
Sir – Sir, I’m robo cop and I’m a queer.
Sir – Sir, I’ll touch you inappropriately
Sir – Sir, I’m gonna make you fill my needs.

I’ll speak to you in passing and hope you don’t respond,
So I can raid your cell and shake you down really hard.
I’ll try to act like I’m really a military man, “Affirmative”
But actually I’m a mama’s boy creep who never had any friends.

Sir – Sir, can you step over here,
Sir – Sir, I’m robo cop and I’m real weird.
Sir – Sir, I’ll touch you inappropriately
Sir – Sir, I’m gonna make you fill all my sick needs.

Well now the story is out, and everybody knows,
Underneath his uniform he’s wearing women’s under clothes.
And he learned to act like that from watching cops on his TV, 
I’m not really sure, but I bet he squats when he pees. . .

Sir – Sir, can you step over here,
Sir – Sir, I’m robo cop and I’m blatantly queer.
Sir – Sir, I’ll touch you inappropriately
Sir – Sir, I’m gonna make you fill my sick needs.

Radio noise: Oh, my god,  I need back up, he’s got a Danish   

Sir – Sir . . .

Robo Cop lyrics © Steven Maisenbacher (Walks on the Grass)
Walks’ Page

Your Inner Power

Sacred Medicine Ways – Part 5

A Teaching by Ghost Dancer

Every single one of us has a power or more than one. Very few today even know how to find theirs because no one teaches this or practices this much anymore. Now, I hear you saying, “Well how would I find my power?” I’m glad you asked.

See, traditionally unless you ask you don’t get told. As the elders always say, “A closed mouth does not get fed!” And no, they were not speaking about food for your belly, but knowledge for your spirit, mind and body. We all have an innate ability to travel the spiritual or cosmic waves. It is just our choice to do so or not. Those who practice regularly become more powerful and can learn to use this ability at will.

If you truly seek to find your power you must be willing to work for it. Knowledge comes with sacrifice: Your time, your energy, your discipline, your giving of yourself. Wow! Did you catch that? You must give to receive! To connect to your true spirit you must give up your flesh to find the spirit! You are now saying, “What does that mean, give up my flesh?”

Well, first, it means doing a fast. Yes, a real one. Fasting helps you to lose all the things that block and distract you. It weakens your body which tries to control your mind and spirit. As the body weakens, the mind can become less cloudy and cluttered, and we become so much more sensitive to all around us. When the body is quiet, the mind can be quiet. It is only when we have a quiet mind that we can step into the folds of the spirit world.

The Journey Begins – Fasting as a Route to Deep Meditation:

Every individual is different, and many factors affect the level of fast any one person can or should attempt to achieve. For instance, those with special medical issues such as diabetes or heart problems, must be careful and adjust their fluid intake and length of fast to avoid triggering a medical problem. We humans are experts at rationalization, so the key point in making the decision to fast to achieve deep meditation is to know the truth. Our own Spirit knows the truth, so we can’t lie to anyone but ourselves, cheating only ourselves. All our own Spirit asks is that we give what we can give. That’s it.

I would advise that you slowly taper off your food for a few days before you begin a fast. Then start off just going a half a day for your first fast. That means no food period for a full half day, something anyone of you could do. Later try fasting for the full day. After you have fasted for a full day, wait a week and then fast for 2 full days. (that means day and night, no food period, no nourishment period.)

When you can be successful at this, then wait a while and fast for three full days. Yes, it gets rougher, but with each success, you will begin to have confidence in yourself. Never set yourself up for failure. Once you have become used to this, then you will be ready to do a four-day fast.

Not everyone will require a full four-day fast, but others with highly active minds may need to. A deep meditative state comes when the mind is empty. Fasting is a discipline, so if a person can discipline their body for one day, then 2 days, how much easier is it to discipline the mind? Again, we cannot lie to our spirit, we just give what we have to give.

Remember, before you start a long fast, it is important that you eat lightly for a week; a little less each day so your stomach begins shrinking, and try to eat as healthy as you can. Drink lots of pure water for on this fast you will not take in food or water (or only a minimum of water). You will also need to make sure you will be free from distractions. Also, after a long fast, you will need to eat very lightly when you begin eating. Eat fruits, nuts, grapes, raisins, and such until you can slowly work yourself back to eating. Otherwise you will be throwing it all up and be sick.

The Journey Continues – Smudging and Entering Deep Meditation:

Smudging is a way of purification and cleansing. The smudge combines all the four major elements in creation – earth, air, fire, and water. No material thing is ever used or act performed until it has been blessed and purified by the smoke.

Now smudge yourself. This is done by taking cedar and sage and placing them in bowl or shell and using a hot coal to get them to burning. Blow on the coal to get the sage glowing red and smoking. Fan the smoke over your hands and then use your hands to fan the smoke over your face, head, then your heart, and then the rest of your body.

Find a place that is totally peaceful and quiet, make yourself comfortable. You can sit cross legged, lay down or whatever you choose to be totally comfortable. Have with you something to give as an offering for help: a pinch of tobacco or a pinch of corn meal, or something that holds special meaning for you. (remember you give to receive.)

You will need to breathe in the smoke from the sage and cedar and then blow it back out. This means only good things will come out of your mouth. Words are power so be very careful what you say.

Now try to empty out all your bad feelings; let them go and let the sage/cedar smoke take them away from you. If you have done anything bad, either physically, mentally, or spiritually, please let it go; release it from you.

Empty your thoughts; just think of a beautiful lake. You see a ripple starting in the center of the lake; watch it spreading outward as your mind steadily releases all your ego, doubts, fears, beliefs. Now you become just still; a single drop of water in a large lake; separate yet connected to every part of the lake.

The lake is living water of life. Feel the bottom and feel the heart beating slowly, steadily. This is Mother’s heart and you begin to match your heart with hers. Feel her becoming part of you; feel yourself letting go, floating outward from your body. Now slowly release your spirit from your body; see it hovering above your body as it feels your freedom; your true power.

Please picture a beautiful, wonderful place where you are totally safe. Nature is all around you: butterflies, birds, crickets, young rabbits playing. The grass is so green and soft. A gentle spring gurgles as it slowly runs down the way to a large pool sitting there.

The pool urges you to come in. All the animals, birds, plants tell you, yes, go inside, dive down and push on through; the bottom is just a veil before you take your spirit trail. So, you dive in, going deeper and deeper. You have no fear so you push through the sand and into nothingness. Suddenly you pop through and find yourself in a strange place, but you still feel safe.

A river flows there, so beautiful, so clear. Suddenly, you feel a presence there with you. Look and you will meet your Spirit Helper. From this time on, your Spirit Helper will teach you your power and medicine. You will be given instructions. Follow them always and you will have your power. Use it wisely.

Now when you meet your Spirit Helper, always be sure to ask these questions: “Are you here to help me? Are you here to teach me? Will you shown me so I can understand all that I am to know and learn? If the answers are yes, then say, “Okay, I give you permission to help me in any way you can that is good for me.” It is vitally important that you both ask your Spirit Helper to help you and give your permission for your Spirit Helper to help you.

Yes, this applies no matter what your personal religious preference may be. What I’m trying do is help you, no matter how you define your beliefs or what your preferred religion may be.

Now when you meet your Spirit Helper, you may even be tested. Why? Well to see if you truly wish to find yourself.

So, what is your Spirit Helper? What do you think it is? Is it your imagination? It is a trick of Projection? An illusion? Or is it a basic part of yourself, part of your own nature?

See, we all have within us the natures of animals and birds, plants and everything else. We have these characteristics for a reason. Yet we have never recognized them for what they are: Part of you! Yes you!

They have only waited for you to step to them to find the real you. Now many folks have more than one nature and spirit. Some have multiple natures and spirits. No, there is nothing wrong in that. For each has it’s time when it is needed.

Oh, I can hear some of you thinking, Well, that goes against what I believe. That is not what my religion teaches. Really? Do you really think that? What religion is that?

I have studied all the major world’s religions and this I know: Every religious tradition teaches us to listen to the Spirit that lives within us. All traditions encourage us to learn from the animals and birds for they will teach us how to live, just as Native traditions do.

So, for all these years you may have just never thought to look at the depth of your inner power that has been there for you always. Now that you recognize this simple truth about yourself, it will be so much easier for you to begin working with your inner spirit to tap into your true power; a gift to you from our Creator. Be sure to do what your true spirit tells you to.

So now that you have met your Spirit Helper, it’s time to return to your normal state. Just relax and picture your own body, see it there waiting for you. Slowly see yourself going back to your body and becoming one with it again. Once you have, you will be sleepy and weak at first, so just take it easy.

Please now practice this as often as you can. The more you do the better you will become at it, until you no longer need to do the fasting or anything. You will be able to sit, still yourself, and find your inner self.

Respectfully,

Ghost

Ghost Dancer’s Page
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Ghost Dancer © 2017

LONG ROAD HOME (12)

By Steven “Walks On The Grass” Maisenbacher
Photo by Gabriela Palai on Pexels.com

Part 1 – Spiritual Journey Toward Addiction Recovery

Chapter 12

Big Moves

Normally when you are being transferred to another joint you try to find out what they don’t have there that they do have where you are. Then you buy a bunch of it, pack it in your property to transfer to the new spot and sell all of it for exorbitant prices.  I once got $150.00 for a $21.00 Marathon Timex watch, just because it was a model that the new spot didn’t have and anything different is definitely worth money in here. The world of prison economics would amaze most people. In here books of stamps or pouches of mackerel fish are considered currency, or the “street to street” transfer of money from one person to another person is considered the top of the pay chain. So I would take two pairs of Skullcandy ear buds that cost $21.00 each and sell them for $45.00 per pair. A pair of wolverine work boots that cost $73.00, I have sold for $150.00 and if I had some bottles of prayer oil cologne, and body washes, I could make a killing on the stuff.

When I hit Petersburg Low (aka Sweetersburg) in Virginia it was Father’s Day and hot as hell. Only when I got there did I discover there was no A.C. in the units and to sleep you had better have a fan. By my last summer there I had 9 electric fans in the cell. I paid one of the Native brothers to come down and replace my outlet with a four-plug outlet and put another one on the back wall. He also put in a new light switch with an outlet underneath as well, for a total of 9 power outlets. It was like living in a cyclone, but a cool one.

The first thing I did was to try to meet up with a couple of the Native brothers, so I stopped the first guy wearing a Native American bandana and asked about the pipe carrier and the lodge and the group and all the “what about’s.” After I met the brothers I went back to the unit to get my stuff squared away. Petersburg is the first and last prison I have ever been to where my property was already there and waiting for me with a “just sign here” from the R&D cop. Amazing how this made my life so much easier.

So I’m assigned to “Delaware” unit and there are a couple Natives in there, but I am quickly told there are pretty much nothing but sex offenders there as the Native car, from the pipe carrier on down. However, there are several brothers there with “clean” paperwork, meaning they are not in prison for child molestation, child pornography or rape. Usually they are not informants but they came to me that evening as I am going out to the yard to check out the band scene. We talk and it is explained that if I want to sweat then I will have to just tolerate them and not cause any problems because it is “their” yard and all they have to do is say I’m a problem and I’m in the hole and on the next thing smokin’ out of there.

Anyway, its laid out like this, we know who is dirty and not, so do they, but if we want to sweat then we have to at least be cordial to them out there and when passing on the compound. Otherwise just don’t bother to go to the lodge area. They are going to be there, they do stay in their places and are very grateful to have people accept them or at least speak to them like they are ok.

You have to understand the dilemma, I do not like a sexual predator; I pray for the women and children and to have to sit across from one in order to approach the Creator would literally be very, very hard.

This place is a super sweet spot, the only hitch is I would be mixed in with some creeps in order to pray. Then it hits me, even if I don’t want to pray for them, I can see that their families – mothers, fathers, kids, brothers, sisters, aunts, uncles – people who need the prayers of those who probably would cringe if they were aware of the member of the family that did whatever they did, DO deserve prayer. It would not at all be unlike the Creator to put this in front of me as a character hurdle to navigate.

See I don’t know if I told you but I was not always a good man. In fact I am deeply ashamed of the man I once was, but I’m even more deeply committed to the man I have and am becoming on a daily basis thru the Native ways and ceremonies and Creator’s guidance. So I made the decision to sweat and attend the pipe ceremonies and to continue to grow and to pray for the changes I knew I needed to make and needed to happen to have a chance when I walked out the door.

Now, I have only been here for not even a day but I’m already in a cell, got my property and one of the “clean” brothers said they needed quality assurance people in the factory, and that he works for the quality assurance manager and would get me in to see him about a job on the coming Monday. I’m elated to be able to get in like that and with a sponsor to boot.

I got into the factory there with a good brother’s help and became a quality control inspector (Q.A.). I had also previously worked to earn an ISO certification that no one else in the factory had and in fact, this was really the cincher on the job.

The staff was duly impressed, so now I’m working in a major government print plant which does all the printing of government forms and notices for numerous agencies including Social Security, the IRS and all the insurance agencies as well as the Department of Transportation and the military. It was a very demanding job and I was learning the printing industry from the ground up – from paper cutters to paper types, from paper folders to 4-color Heidelberg printing presses, from ink to computerized press plate image burning machines, major Ricoh laser color copiers – all the tricks and traps, all the defects and cures for them. The more well versed I became, the more valuable an asset I became to the UNICOR Corporation.  

Near the end of the first year the plant management decides to let all the quality assurance workers go except for three – one for the day shift, one for the shipping department and one for the night shift with the night shift being the most difficult since only the plant foreman, the quality assurance worker would be there with the essential workers, pressmen, collator operators and folder/cutter men. When the decision was made I was chosen to be the night Q.A. This meant they had faith in my ability at this point to trouble shoot and burn computer plates for the presses.

In actuality, the way things work, I would be running the plant, with my foreman being there with further expertise, but a non-hands-on approach, supposedly. As it turned out, let me tell you about my boss, Ms. G., for she was very special woman.

Ms. G was a prison employee, a professional with 20-plus years’ experience. She had raised a son as a single mother and had competed in a job with men for decades. She had risen thru the ranks, not on the “I’m a woman” card, but  on the simple fact that she was good at what she did and could do anything in the plant the men could do.

I cannot count the times I saw Ms. G. on the floor teaching the guys how to run a folding machine, or a paper cutter or a binding machine during my final 2 years  working with her. I can see her in my mind’s eye right now, sleeves rolled up, ink on her hands and explaining or moving and adjusting to move a fold or a perforation this way or that. She taught me more about the printing industry than any of the four college textbooks on the industry I read.

Ms. G. truly made an impact on my life, and on the last night I worked before packing out to leave for transfer I let her know how much I appreciated her. Ms. G was a Christian; she loved it, she embraced it and she walked the walk, but she was far from weak or shy. She was a stalwart human in a place where there are not many that will treat you with dignity or respect. Never once in the three years I worked side by side with Ms. G. did she waver in her willingness to teach or learn, to be pleasant while professional.

If Ms. G should ever read this, I want her to know she made a change in this man. She taught me a lot, and I still appreciate her for it. See prison is not where  you would expect to find a person of this caliber. Ms. G., you are a diamond in a mud puddle and you shine all the more brightly for it. May the Creator watch over you and yours and keep you ever in his sight.

                       Self Portrait

The stranger staring back at me, stranger than before,
Bringin’ pain and suffering, always waging war.
Take away your dignity, strip away the shell
Wear you down, weight your soul, how the mighty have fell.

Mirror, Mirror on the wall, rushing tide we try to stall,
Shadows cast across your grave only hope your soul to save.
Hero, Hero, time has passed, life goes by us way too fast
Grasp at straws and silky strings, life is but a fleeting thing.

We cross our paths like ships lost in the night, night, night,
Pretend we know what’s wrong from right, right, right.
There’s more to me than meets the eye, eye, eye,
My world is hollow, and I’ve touched the sky.

Mirror, Mirror, guise pretense, this is why we’re so incensed.
The ache cuts deeply into the bone, look around, you’re not alone.
Zero, Zero, lower class, drinking from an empty glass,
Shun the image you have made, do what you can before you fade.

If you view life with much regret
You’ll wear the time you forget.
It weighs you down with guilt and shame
The stare that’s you is the one to blame.

Mirror, Mirror, fool you save, are you master, are you slave?
See the writing on the wall, you’re the biggest fool of all.
Hero, Hero, life sentence, have you lost your innocence?
It keeps us in a trance-like stare, as it makes us see we’re there.


Self Portrait lyrics © Steven Maisenbacher (Walks on the Grass)
Walks’ Page

LONG ROAD HOME (11)

By Steven “Walks On The Grass” Maisenbacher
Photo by Gabriela Palai on Pexels.com

Part 1 – Spiritual Journey Toward Addiction Recovery

Chapter 11

Finding New Family

Well, I can’t help it, I don’t know what it is, but I have always been able to get along better with women than men, and they always seem to sense it. Some years ago I placed an ad on Write A Prisoner.com. I was at a stage where I was lonely and just wanted to meet a few ladies to correspond with, exchange ideas and views on life, spirituality and everything. So out of the blue I got a letter from a woman named Helga in Germany. Long story short, Helga fell for me and we ended up talking about a possible future together. That all fell apart with her trying to mold and bend me into the shape she thought I ought to be, not who I am. Anyway, one thing I owe Helga is a debt of gratitude for introducing me to Leontien (Leah).

Steve and sister Judy 1996

Leah and I seemed to get along and we emailed back and forth about a myriad of topics, she was interested in the Native culture and we quickly became friends. During our exchanges she found out that I had lost my sister, Judy several years prior to cancer and I missed having her in my life. Judy was a strong and remarkable woman who raised her son as a single mother, never wavering in her love or dedication to giving him all she wanted him to have. So as time went on I found out Leah had no brothers, so we decided we would adopt each other. Cool!  I now had a new sister and I feel I hit the jackpot.

What an amazingly wonderful family Leah has, her husband, Mildo, is a super cool man and a great father to their two beautiful daughters. Both the girls are extremely smart and witty. Rosa, the youngest is a gifted equestrian and for-real horse lover. She is just as full of life as her mother. Vivian, the older of the 2 is super talented with a very good voice. In fact I’d say if she were to continue and pursue a career she could easily hit the stages of Broadway or more.

I think Vivian looks more like her dad, who is very smart and I’m glad to have him as a brother-in-law.  So the girls come by their brilliance honestly and it isn’t at all surprising when I think of their parents. Now Leah, she’s the bees knees, a very warm and witty woman, full of life’s wisdoms and able to share of herself with others, unstintingly putting the needs and wants of others before herself.

I don’t think I’ve ever come right out and said it this way, but I’m finding it’s so much easier to say things more articulately in writing than in person. The fact is my sister Leontien has helped me thru some rough times when I was really hurting and down. She didn’t know at the time because I’m kind of good at holding things in, but her dedication and patience have helped make me the man I have become and that man bears no resemblance to the man  I was years ago.

I can’t wait to see Leah from the free world. It’s going to be amazing and as I sit here and write this knowing it’s just 13 months until I can walk out the door to a half-way house and after that, it’s just a matter of a few more months.

Let me tell you, when I met Leah, it had been well over a decade since my mom had passed and then my sister passed. I had not had a visitor in 13 years, and all of a sudden Leah tells me she is coming to the states to visit with family and friends. Then she tells me she’s coming to see “My brother!” So Leah came and it was the best couple of hours I had had in decades. We talked and laughed and took pictures and visited and she got to meet Frank, one of my Native brothers and band mates. To meet my sister was amazing, and in this moment, as I write, I’m thinking it’s funny that a little later today, I’m calling Leah at her home in the Netherlands – Yes! That’s six thousand miles away across the ocean and in another country, but our love and respect and family tie is stronger than even toe-distance or the time difference.

And Leah, you ought to know by now that as much as I love you and your family, don’t set your strawberry kiwi drink down on the table and walk away for any reason. Some things I just can’t control, but I’m still sticking to my story… “It must have evaporated?!?!”

Steve and Leontien 2016

A year or so later, Leah came to visit again. This time I got to spend the whole day with her, the best day of my entire sentence. We talked and I laughed with her, we were able to relax and get to know each other better. We talked about all the things that were important to us. Leah is a wonderful person, and somehow I know my sister Judy would appreciate her being there for me. I know I certainly am. Thank you for being my sister and my friend. I’m a very lucky man to have the love of two sisters in this life. There is no doubt that once again, the Creator stepped into my life with just what I needed, when I most needed it. I was lost and lonely so the Creator gave me some new family…life is good…

But now it has come to my attention that my dear sister Leontien feels like she doesn’t deserve a chapter in my book because she “Really didn’t do anything!”

Geeminy Christmas, I’m floored by this. See this is the same woman who visits death row inmates, works with the organization, Soul Sisters Unlocking Cell Doors. These women write cards and letters to inmates all over the country who may otherwise not hear from anyone. Leah has traveled around the world, multiple times to visit me and other prisoners she has befriended over the years I have had the honor and pleasure to know her.

So it’s like this, if you ever meet Leah or if you already know her, count yourself as blessed because this woman who claims she didn’t do anything has brought light and laughter to me and many others in these iron houses. She has shown empathy and understanding for those in circumstances she will never go through simply because she chooses to care for those who suffer. To me this kind of seems like considerably more than nothing. Leah has shared smiles and care and yep, even a strawberry kiwi drink with me at least.

Now, Leah, I know you will read these words, and you know how I feel about the truth being the only pure beauty in the cosmos, neither good or bad, false or contrived, simply the truth. So listen up, here it is…Sister mine, your kindness has made a huge impact in my life. You make me want to be a good man so I can make you proud of me, and that ain’t an easy thing to do! Simply put, I love ya sis, and to me, your brother who loves you for you…  

You Are A Rock Star!

HERE & WELL

Here I am
Living on memories again
It’s just that your ghost’s at hand
Whispering into my brain

And I should have known
That that’s how it had to go
And baby I loved you so
I know now that you’re gone

Chorus:
Well, it’s never so easy
As if I had just let you stay
So just be the music and words
To the songs that I play.

(Instrumental)

Don’t try selling me
Your psycho logic
It’s just not nostalgic
So let that be said

If the telephone rings
Hope eternal springs
Could it possibly be you
As if there were something that I could do
Then rest assured it would have been done.

(Instrumental)

Chorus:
Well, it’s never so easy
As if I had just let you stay
So just be the music and words
To the songs that I play.


Here & Well lyrics © Steven Maisenbacher (Walks on the Grass)
Walks’ Page

Ghost Dancer’s Art

Red Cloud, Osceola & The Powwow Princess

In 1994, Ghost entered some of his work in an art contest at the annual Spring Break Festival in Pensacola, Florida. They had TV crews from all over take film shots and even talked to him about his art. Then he was disqualified, they said, because the contest was for amateur artists only.

“I have never been trained or taught to do art.” Ghost says, “I just learnt by trial and error.” He thought it was a bit funny that they still used his art as part of the advertisement for the festival in later years.  

In this exhibit, Ghost had several museum worthy pieces including actual portraits of Red Cloud and Osceola. Both were done in their correct original tribal colors and authentic clothing they would be wearing. None had ever been done like this before.

Red Cloud
Pastel by Ghost Dancer

Ghost was later approached by some Lakota women who said they were interested in getting the portrait of Red Cloud for the Red Cloud Indian School in South Dakota. They were brought to him by a tribal member living in Florida.

Ghost explains: “These women told me they didn’t have the money they knew this painting was worth, but said it belonged at the school. Now when I did Red Cloud, my model was a tintype image from the Smithsonian Institute. I did him this way to pay respect to a man who fought for his people not so much with violence but with his wits and negotiation skills.

Red Cloud tintype

“He was doing what he felt was best for his people and didn’t want any more of them to be killed or suffer from starvation or cold. Now many of his own people and especially other Lakotas, Dakotas and Nakotas did not agree with him. But sometimes it takes a great warrior to be a stronger man than to fight a war he could not win, realizing what war would do to his people. He was preserving all that he could. So to take the insults, ridicule and anger from so many who spoke and felt ill will against him, he showed his true worth as a warrior who gave himself for his people and that is another reason I chose to do him this way in the painting. 

Inlaid Story Frame
by Ghost Dancer

“I knew what the women said was right and they received the painting. Sometimes life isn’t all about the money. Now I pray it did go there and I wasn’t lied to about it. But that is what I was told. And yes, I even let it go with the cedar inlaid story frame which took me much longer to do than the painting.  I never checked with the Red Cloud School. I was just following my heart. Something that I always do.”

The portrait of Osceola was given away the same way. [No photo available] Ghost was introduced by a local tribal member to some women who said they were great, great granddaughters of Osceola.

“They had come all the way from south Florida and wanted the portrait. Someone had told them about seeing it on TV and contacted them about it. No one had ever done a painting of him like this because no one ever truly knew him, his true history and his beliefs or even how he got his name. Osceola was a red stick Muskogee, therefore I knew his history.

His name is derived from the sound that is made from one who has taken the black drink for purging. Osceola was like me, born a breed and he had to earn his respect and honor. So it was my honor to do this for him and bring him to life again in this painting. It was only fitting that this painting go to his family. Now I took these people at their word and the word of the tribal member who introduced them. After consulting with someone who was actually there, this is what happened as that person remembered it also.”

Powwow Princess by Ghost Dancer

Now in doing this painting of the powwow baby, to me something needed was for it to show the beauty of life. Our people had been almost totally wiped out. Then we began a comeback in population and in our culture. We have had a long fight for our lives, culture and religious beliefs. This little baby girl is showing the beauty of our return and way of life. Her desire to be in dancing and rhythm of life for her people. When my mother saw this painting, she truly wanted to have it so badly, and she would have had it not already been promised to be donated for a tribal auction/raffle to the highest bidder. Everyone wanted that painting; the little girl touched everyone’s heart. I do not know the person who wound up getting it. I could not be present. I was busy doing other things for this tribal event such as setting up the photographic booth. My job was to help dress up a tourist in authentic tribal clothing and get them photographed with the authentic dwelling, tribal items and animals. We had a professional photographer and I helped design the scene, hair styles, facing painting, and right clothing for each of them with authentic items to accent the scene. This was a big success and we were swarmed. They even got to get their photo with real wolves who were set up with back packs and travois.

Ghost Dancer

 Ghost

LONG ROAD HOME (10)

By Steven “Walks On The Grass” Maisenbacher
Photo by Gabriela Palai on Pexels.com

Part 1 – Spiritual Journey Toward Addiction Recovery

Chapter 10

Cat In The Forest

Shortly after Walker left, about mid-week, I was asked if I would come to the next sweat and was told the brothers wanted to ask me to become a member of the circle and spiritual group there.

For more than a year, since I came to Yazoo, I had never asked to become a member of the circle. I only attended the sweat lodge if I were specifically asked by one of the brothers to come as a guest. There were just so many things going on with and around Iron Rope, the sweat leader at the time, that I didn’t want to be a member of “his” circle.  According to traditional ways, if I were a member of the circle then I would have an  obligation to speak out against any wrongs I saw within the circle. Most definitely I wasn’t looking to go down that road. So I would just wait until one of the brothers asked me if I was going to the sweat that week, and then respond with “are you inviting me?”  

The answer was always yes, so I would go as a guest. In fact it became so usual to see me there for the ceremony that no one thought anything about my not being a member of the circle until they had their annual ceremonial meal. I didn’t attend because I felt it would be wrong to take food out of the mouths of a community that I was still not officially a part of.

It was not until after the meal and they wondered why I hadn’t attended that it became obvious that I had still never asked for admittance to that circle. Everyone just took for granted I would be there or I had somehow managed to not serve four fires or whatever.

Eventually when it was time the Creator saw to it that they did extend an invitation. I accepted that invitation, but contingent on my being allowed to teach what I knew or had been taught over the decades and that the brothers made a conscious effort to learn a song for the lodge so they could contribute and be a part of the ceremony instead of just sitting there. Another requirement was that they learn to control their language in the sacred area, because it was sacred to me and I found it offensive that they would be so disrespectful of the Creator that they would use vulgarity in this sacred place where they supposedly came to pray. So we made a language rule. For each infraction of the language rule, 25 pushups 1st violation, 50 for 2nd, and repeated offenses. That is how I managed to get a foul-language-free sweat lodge area. Didn’t take too long either.

When it came to question I went ahead and served the four fires I had never done. In a way this was really kind of pointless in that by that time I had already taught several of the brothers the proper steps and reasons for making the fire a certain way, from how a medicine wheel is laid on the ground and blessed with herbs and then how the stones are laid, 7 first individually, then the others as you need to, all the way to teaching the brothers a fire badger song to help the spirit of the fire to consume the wood offering and heat the rocks.  

~~~

Now, for the second reason I believe Creator sent me to Yazoo – David Martinez. David was a Mexican, here for guns and illegal entry, he was from the interior of Mexico, and most interested in the Native American culture and ways. I have always been of the position that Mexicans are Native Americans! After all they didn’t draw the borders, they were conquered by Spain and we were all from North America. Many of our ancestors had migrated north from Mexico or moved back and forth, so we are all the same people.

David wanted to learn and he had made a point of coming around me to ask questions about the traditions, languages and ceremonies, so I proposed that he come to a guest sweat and that way he would be able to at least have experienced some of what was actually supposed to go on. At this time the guy Iron Rope was still the pipe carrier, still up to his antics and still very anti anyone coming in that could  see him for the fraud he was.

A meeting was called and I was basically grilled on why I wanted to bring this “Mexican” to the lodge. So I explained my feelings and told them these ways are sacred, not secret, and the Creator embraces all who come with the truth on their tongue and prayers with a true willingness to become a better person in their heart. After all it isn’t the color of your skin or your geographic origin that defines your desire to follow the red road, it’s your heart, and your soul that lead you and keep you in these ways. So there it was, because of my desire to help a man learn, the pipe carrier’s true colors showed, not just to me but to everyone in the circle. When it became apparent to the guys that I would not participate any further with a racist group, he was convinced by the group to let me bring this guy.

David and I became very close friends. We spent a lot of time together. For more than a year where you saw one of us outside the unit, the other wasn’t far away if we were not together. Meal times together were the best. As we all know prison is a strange place, where there is a place for everyone and everyone has a place all “set.” Gangs and homeboys from the same state all had their places in the chow hall, and you know, blacks sat over there, whites over on the other side,  Mexicans here, Puerto Ricans and islanders over there, you see where this is going?

Well David and I broke all the conventions together but no one ever questioned it. At first I wasn’t so sure how it would be taken, a light skinned Indian going over to sit at a Mexican gangs table, but they always made me feel welcome, calling me Indio and come sit here. It was known to all the Spanish brothers about David being a Spanish Indian, and my friend, and that I was on a spiritual path. I was and still am known throughout the federal system so they all knew that I ran Native and wasn’t on the “political” time.

After the first couple days of going over with David and sitting down to eat it was just expected and accepted. It worked out a whole lot better than the time David went with me to the white side. I won’t go into it any further than to say we got up and moved after calling several people out on their attitudes. We never again attempted that, in fact I never ate over there again, even if I was alone; I was more welcome at the Spanish tables then I ever felt at the white tables. Funny how I’ve had just as many problems over the years with the whites a I’ve had with the Natives over my color. The whites are leary of me because if you don’t know me, you would never think I am Native with my fair skin and green eyes, but the Natives are sometimes on that same B.S.

So David’s time with me, learning the ways and culture was very special. He was like a sponge and learned so much. We never thought our time together would end when or the way it did. I knew I was again in for a transfer, then one cool fall evening I was at work in the factory, a guy came to the factory door and sent for me. I walked over to see what was up and he told me David had gotten a pack out order, meaning he had to go to R&D the next morning to pack out. They were sending David to be deported. This was the last I saw of my brother, but not the last I heard or that we talked.

David Glecht Ni Kote, Cat In The Forest, was to become one of the best friends I have ever had, in line with Donkey and Paints…true friends, men who say what they do and do what they say, all with a good heart.

We talk often and email back and forth. David and his beautiful family are fine and doing well. They have the usual speedbumps of life, but all in all they are well. I am proud to call him my friend, and more, my brother. Cat In The Forest, you have made my life richer for knowing you and sharing who we are and how we approach the Creator, Ahoa Mitakuye Oyasin.

~~~

The rest of the story – the Native circle is doing good, Iron Rope leaves but passes the pipe to his little friend “Taz.” Like Iron Rope, Taz is no good, a real piece of work, but he is clever. At least he has the sense to ask questions and try to learn a pipe song. He also asks me to run some sweats since I do so in the manner I have been taught. I could see his character had never changed and the deal is he just wanted to watch and learn so he could mimic me when he ran a sweat. Now this didn’t make me mad or angry, it just made me sad to know he just wants to copy someone else so he can act like he is something he is not.

Anyway, things went fairly well for the next year until I was finally able to get put in for a transfer. Not long before, I started having pain in my back and when it got bad enough, I went to medical. I had an MRI and the surgeon came in for a consult. He told them I had some serious issues with my vertebrae and disks and really needed surgery. So what they did was transfer me to avoid having to pay for the surgery.

The three years I spent in Yazoo, left me emotionally and psychologically drained. From the very beginning I felt like the place was super bad medicine. If not for the lodge I could not have dealt with it. Later I learned that the place was named for an ancient tribe that had been massacred by another regional tribe, totally wiping them from the face of the planet, leaving only a name.

Dear Friend

Lost in space, prisoner in time,
The place where we are is less than sublime
A shot in the dark from a dear friend of mine,
With the faith that he borrowed on a hope that was blind.

I’ll bring the science, they’ll bring the greed,
Time-space continuum ain’t what we perceived,
A snake in the grass, another ant on the farm,
Your childish lies have lost all their charm.

From zero to ten, we travel that far,
just two dear friends stuck in a jar.

With nothing to stop us from shifting our gears,
Check your baggage along with your fears,
As you look to the heavens I’ll give you a nod,
If you look closely, you’ll see there’s a god…

From zero to ten, we travel that far,
just two dear friends stuck in this jar…

© Steven Maisenbacher, Walks On The Grass
Walks’ Page

Forgiving Ourselves

Sacred Medicine Ways – Part 4

A Teaching by Ghost Dancer

Now I wish to talk to each of you from my heart. We all have done things in our lives that we wish never happened or we never did. We also have regrets about things we wish we could or would have done differently. There are no exceptions if we are truthful with ourselves. Now herein lies the biggest block for most people: we have never let that go! We have never truly forgiven ourselves for our mistakes or failures. Oh, we ask for forgiveness and we may even say we have been forgiven. Others may even have forgiven us. But if we still think about these things, if we wishfully think about them, wanting to do things differently; to change what happened or didn’t happen, then we have not let it go. And if we have not let it go, then our regrets become anchors that drag us down, even subconsciously.

This is what causes doubt, this is what causes us not to truly believe in ourselves. It makes no difference how big or small our regrets are. It is we, ourselves who give them power to pull us down and keep us from stepping up to our true potential. When we continue to think about these things, we are constantly saying, if only we had done something differently or not at all; or if we had made a different choice, our lives would have been so different. Really? You honestly can say that? How do you know? You could just as easily have chosen or done something different and your life could be ruined, or far worse than it is! You don’t know.

One thing I have truly learned from Spirit is that there is no blame. I am not to blame anyone else, not to blame myself, not to blame life, and not to blame Spirit. Why? Well let’s see. What if what happened or what didn’t happen was supposed to be and we were supposed to learn something from that? What if we were supposed to help someone, even though we weren’t even aware of it? What if what we were suffering was actually keeping others from suffering?

WHAT IF? Those are two mighty big words! What if we just accept what was, what is, and just move on with the knowledge that we are who we are and where we are supposed to be at this moment. What if it was intended for us to be here right now discussing this so that change can come in a bigger and more wonderful way. It is LIFE itself that is so precious to us all and it is so important for us to not live in the past or caught up in “what could have beens.”

We only have what is before us to do our best to grow spiritually, mentally and emotionally. We can do these things. And understand this: we are all in this together. That is where we get the “we” from in our traditional medicine ways. What each of us does affects everything around us. Remember that drop of rain hitting in the center of the lake – the ripple effect? Well the same is true in the world and the universe and multi-universes.

I have studied religions from across the world and in between and every single one says this same thing. What most people miss out on is one key essential, and that is you only get out what you put in. Now simply this means if you only go through the motions of living, you really aren’t going to get much out it. What would happen if you put half of your energy, heart, and time into something you set out to do? Well, you would be doing that thing half way. But what would happen if you gave all of yourself to something? Well you would receive all back. Common sense tells us this is so.

Let’s look at a baby. A baby wakes up giggling and smiling and loving this new day. But this baby does something you didn’t want it to and you get upset and scold the baby. The baby cries. Later, the baby gets over the scolding and becomes all happy again, but you are still upset with the baby. The baby doesn’t understand why you are upset. Why? Because whatever the baby did is in the past. The baby can’t change what it did to make you upset.

Now picture yourself as a baby. Each day you wake up to a brand-new day. Are you going to let something that happened yesterday spoil today? Or are you going to be like a baby; be happy and just enjoy this wonderful new day of life? See, these are choices we can make each day that can change our lives and change our outlook on life each day. In every religious tradition, when you humbly ask for forgiveness, you are forgiven, so let it go. It never happened. The slate is clean. But if you hold on to it, you are keeping your suffering alive. Not anyone else; only you.

This unforgiveness and holding on to the past stagnates our spiritual growth. In our traditional ceremonies, when we say, give it all away, and empty ourselves out to be cleansed and purified, that is what we are doing – Inside and out; physically, mentally, spiritually and emotionally. We as a people are each specks in the grand universe, but connected to every other speck, which makes us all one. Therefore, we must see the beauty and love in every single thing. We must forgive, and I mean, truly forgive even ourselves. Then we become one again. Each of us is important. Each of us has a part to do. No matter how big or how small; each is needed.

You may think, Oh, I can’t do anything. I don’t have anything that anybody needs or wants. Really? What about your love? What about your beauty? What about your prayers, your time and energy to help someone who needs you? Now what about all the plants, winged ones, four legged ones, the rivers, streams, oceans all the ones that swim and live in the waters – what about all those who can’t speak up or defend themselves? Would you speak up for any of them? Try to help? Work with others to do so? See, each of us needs all others. We are supposed to help each other. The fish, plants, four-legged, winged ones, waters, air, all help us and each other. Why don’t we help them? We are supposed to do these things instead of just thinking of ourselves.

Traditionally, all Native Peoples pray for everything and everyone else first and their own selves last. This is tradition and always has been. Now, how can you be praying for all these others if you aren’t clean and pure of heart? Do you think you can be clean and pure of heart if you haven’t truly forgiven yourself and you haven’t let go of all inside that bothers you? Don’t you think that negativity could flow over to others and cause them harm? This is why a main part of our tradition is that we always ask each person to cleanse and be purified before we pray; before we do anything sacred. These things and acts become so natural you don’t even think about them. In time, it begins to feel so right.

Now if you really study the world’s religions, you would also notice that all mention the use of sacred incense, such as cedar, sage, juniper, and such. Did you think that was all just for show? People forget there is a reason for everything, just as everything happens for a reason. So, with all we’ve discussed, are you really ready to forgive yourself; really ready to become all you can be; to become one with everything? Okay, let’s begin and get this on the road now.

How much we progress in this life will follow us into the next. For there is eternal forever. Our spirit just keeps changing and becoming is all. We truly have so much to learn and experience and we receive this gift because Spirit has given this to us, so we must do what needs to be done on our part.

Here is what we need to do:

1) Write down on paper, each and every thing that you still think about and hold yourself accountable for. Be truthful only you know what these are – and Spirit. Haven’t you hidden from these long enough? Now, let’s work on getting rid of them.

2) Write down all the things in your heart that you wish you had not done or done differently. Remember, it is your choice to be truthful with your own self. If you can’t be truthful with yourself, how can you ever be truthful with others?

3) Okay now it is time to go to work. I want you to get a smudge going. All of you should have already read to know how to do this. If you have a fire place or can build a fire outside, that would be perfect. If you can’t, use the smudge bowl for this next step.

4) First, I want you to smudge yourself all over. Next speak verbally each thing that you have written down, and say, I release this forever; never to think about this again. Do this four times to each of the four major directions, East, South, West and North. As you do, tear the piece of paper that you have written these things on and burn it in the smudge or a fire. If you are using a fireplace or an outside fire, toss in cedar afterwards.

5) As you are doing this, visualize each thing you have spoken leaving your body and burning up in the fire; being purified by the gift of Spirit, to transform and make new.

6) Take your time; let it all out. Cleanse your heart, mind and body of these things. See everything leaving and now, a pure golden white light radiates in its place. Crying tears is fine – and guys, don’t act tough. Humbleness is the greatest code a warrior lives by because we love so much.

7) You must love yourself enough to truly forgive yourself of all things and see only good things, happiness and beauty, surrounded by love in your life. A warrior walks in beauty and love always.

See yourself becoming pure of heart with only thoughts of what lies ahead and what you can do to walk in beauty and love each day, spreading more love and beauty in the world around you.

9) See yourself becoming one with every single thing in the universe, because you actually are. You are part of the whole. You are one and you feel everything and everyone and you are one.

Walk in Beauty and Love, Ghost

Ghost Dancer’s Page

Ghost Dancer © August 2017

LONG ROAD HOME (9)

By Steven “Walks On The Grass” Maisenbacher
Photo by Gabriela Palai on Pexels.com

Part 1 – Spiritual Journey Toward Addiction Recovery

Chapter 9

Walker

As Bad as it was…

It could always be worse. After 5 months in the hole in Florida I was finally transferred to Yazoo Mississippi. I knew from the moment I stepped into the R&D for intake processing that I wasn’t going to like it much and it sure wasn’t going to be anything like Coleman Low. That chance for a little peace in a good place had been washed up by an idiot with a big mouth and little brain – Chains, you were wrong for doing that.

But, I digress… Funny, I never in my life thought I would use a word like “digress” and I just used it! So thanks for letting me get that one off…

Anyway, it was December and cold, even for Mississippi. They did the usual hoopla and I got the B.S. lecture from the lieutenant. They always come to look me over like I’m some sort of circus animal. He strips me down to look at my tattoos, to see the ones that brand me with my belief system and affiliation and all that. Yeah, I’ve got the great big A.I.M. (American Indian Movement) patch on my right outer calf and the medicine wheel patch in the middle of my chest. I’ve also got the Dancing Eagles Society patch on my right chest. These are the tats the feds use to identify me as me – and I was dumb enough to get decades ago that caused all the ensuing mess since then.

So after that, I’m freezing on my way to the block. When I get there, not a single person in the block is a Native. They tell me where most of the natives live, but I get put right into a cube and start getting settled in.  A guy named Rex comes and asks if I knew his brother in Coleman. I did and said so.  Then Rex mentioned that I am Native and said he had a bandana that one of his friends left here and asked if I wanted to use it. I’m thinking, Ummm, Yes. The bandana will make me feel complete and centered in the circle representing the hoop and my place within it, as in my beliefs.

Now by this time I had already been gifted a pipe by White Panther and Mountain Heart, both chiefs and pipe carriers that had come into the facility at Gilmore, West Virginia to consecrate the sweat lodge grounds after they found out I had fought so hard to get it. (Chapter 2).

So I get dug in for the evening and I’m planning to catch up with the pipe carrier in the joint to announce my presence and see what the deal is. The very next morning I’m in the chow hall and several Natives come up and sit down at the table. We go thru the usual rounds of introductions and “where ya been and who ya know stuff.” They tell me the pipe carrier is a guy named Iron Rope. Only later I’m to find out this guy is quite a scoundrel and not at all what he is purported to be.

So I finally meet Iron Rope. All’s well and I’m to go to a sweat ceremony that coming Wednesday. Perfect! This will give me a chance to cleanse and get the traveling off me, and get some prayers in. So here comes the sweat; I get out to the area and I see guys laughing and joking. Normally, that’s a good thing, but then I start to notice a lot of profanity and disrespectful behavior to and within an area that is supposed to be sacred. There were candy wrappers scattered around and I see a couple men actually spit on the grounds.

Finally we enter the lodge and I continue taking in all the behaviors I see while trying to get a handle on how they conduct their ceremonies. I’m astounded when I see them bring in several rocks on a shovel; this is not at all done according to the proscribed traditional manner I was taught. When done correctly, the first 7 rocks are brought in one at a time – 7 being the Creator’s number for earth, sky, the four directions and finally for the Creator above.

I’m just a guest at this point. I have not yet asked to be allowed to serve 4 fires to show humility and a willingness to serve the circle and Creator.

So the first door comes down with 20-some rocks and this guy Iron Rope says, “OK, I wanna welcome this new brother and you all know what to do, pray for whatever you need to pray for.”

I’m just amazed that this guy who claims to be a spiritual mentor and pipe carrier would be so cavalier with a sacred ceremony, so un-leading and nonchalant in his directions. At this point, I’m quiet, just going to see how it goes, not going to make waves. And then someone speaks out loud, “Can someone play the drum?”

So then I hear the drum start, no invitation song, no four directions song, just some vocable chanting that didn’t even sound like a real song. As soon as this was over I asked permission to speak to the sweat leader.

“Oh, go ahead,” he says.

“If I may I would like to play a song or two.”

“Please do, brother.”

So I sing the Four Directions Song, then ask if I may play another, the Spirit Calling Song.

After that, he calls for the door. Now I’m thinking it’s strange to do only 2 songs, but again I don’t say anything. Now the 2nd door, or round two of the ceremony begins. This time the sweat leader asks if I have any more songs I could share.

By now it’s obvious that these guys are neither Native nor believers in the medicine teachings.  It seemed to me they were just there because their workout buddy was Iron Rope and he was using the lodge like an exclusive club that not just anyone could go to. 

So I take off since this guy has offered no direction or explanation to these guys. I briefly explain that since the 2nd door is predominantly for the South, the warmth of the sun the nurturing of creation, it is a round usually dedicated to the women and children. Therefore, I sang a Women And Children’s Song, and as I closed, I asked permission to sing another song. It was of course a Children’s Lullaby sung in Cherokee, to help comfort a disturbed child, soothe them into tranquility with a loving tone and words.

As I closed this song someone spoke right out, “Sing more, sing more.”

I responded that I would love to sing and share more songs with the group; maybe with the sweat leaders permission I could sing a couple more next round.

I think that was the right thing to do and after the sweat was over I said my thanks and appreciation for the brothers allowing me to share some prayers and songs with them. After that, some of the guys asked why I didn’t just sing all the songs since they only knew maybe 3 songs amongst the group.

Then I had to explain that traditionally it is the sweat leader’s position to sing the songs for each round if no one else can or offers and that there are really supposed to be 16 songs per sweat. I explained the whole thing about being a sweat leader or “Hollow Bone” is that you are supposed to be facilitating the spiritual opportunity for the brothers in the lodge. Now I said this in a respectful, diplomatic way so as not to alienate any one, primarily this guy, Iron Rope.

From that moment on some of the brothers would come to me privately wanting to learn songs and ask questions about the traditional ways, so as much as I grew to hate that miserable joint, I also came to understand the Creator needed me there. Two men in particular stand out in my mind.

One was “Walker” an Omaha Indian from Nebraska. He was raised in the inner city, really more white than Native if this is possible for a full-blooded Native American man. Basically, Walker had never been exposed to his culture or the beliefs and practices of his culture until he got to prison and found out about the lodge.

For months, in every spare minute at work, Walker would be beating on a piece of cardboard with a pencil, going over again and again the songs he wanted to learn. As often as not he would be waiting outside my unit in the evenings or at lunch and on weekends. He would say, “Hey bro, can we go eat and then work on this song?”  

I knew Walker was a good guy; he just got caught up in the inner-city hustle and the feds got him for what often is just a means of survival to these people anyway.  About a year later, Walker left to go to a camp. I would not see him again, but the last thing he said to me before he left would stay in my heart and mind forever.

“Walks,” he said, “I can never repay you, but I want to thank you for giving me back my culture. You taught me about who I am and who my people are and were, and for this I thank you.”

EXACTLY
i have been anger,
i have been hate,
i have been exactly what you meant to create...
i have been oppressed,
i have been shamed ,
i have been exactly what it is you would blame...
i have been beaten ,
i have been tazed,
i have been left to rot in a prison cage...
i have grown strong,
i have learned to read,
i have done exactly what it was that i’d need...
i have a smile,
i have light in my eyes,
i am no longer exactly what the system despised...
i have felt anger,
i have felt rage,
i put that behind me and that’s exactly where it will stay...
now what?
exactly.....
Exactly © October 2019, Steven W. Maisenbacher (Walks On The Grass)
Walks
Walks’ Page