Simple Facts

Chapter 4

When We Get There

By Steven Walks On The Grass

Several simple facts I need to put out here.

I’m a recovering drug addict. I’ve had control of my addiction for more than 23 years.

I will never allow myself to be the man I was while addicted and under the influence of opiates, hallucinogenics or barbiturates.

Since I’ve been out of prison, I’ve suffered many episodes of PTSD including anxiety attacks, sleeplessness, loss of appetite, and general feelings of being overwhelmed.

As a federal inmate, I am forced to drop urine screens every week. They look for opiates, amphetamines, barbiturates, cocaine and marijuana.

Now stay with me. The facts get complicated…

As a Native American, I am both a student and practitioner of holistic medicine. I know the benefits of herbal remedies, including medical cannabis. If used in controlled settings cannabis is a miraculous relief to someone like me. Everyone who knows me knows how I feel about drug use and addiction. That includes alcohol. I don’t drink either.

When I was sent home from the halfway house to home confinement, I was told I would be responsible for my own medical care and prescriptions. I took the responsibility seriously and eventually sought medical help for my most urgent unmet needs, namely PTSD and chronic back pain which no one at the halfway house would ever do. I put myself under the care of a physician who monitors my conditions and my prescriptions and dosages of medical grade cannabis with vigilance and professionalism. This makes me a licensed medical marijuana user in the State of Illinois. I’m comfortable in my relationship with the doctor who helps me deal with the pain and stress just as much as I am with the care providers who handle treatment and prescriptions for my diabetes, COPD, hypertension and cholesterol medications.

Since putting myself under this physician’s care, I have found that medical grade cannabis administered in very small amounts throughout the day has stopped me from having anxiety episodes and other manifestations of my PTSD during times of stress…and that isn’t all. Several years ago, while in custody of the Federal Bureau of Prisons, I had serious issues in my spine and was finally sent out for corrective surgery.  After surgery, I was returned to my cell and left to my own devices with no help from medical staff. I received no wound care and subsequently developed a Staph infection around my spinal column. Before this was finally treated and healed the infection had caused irreversible nerve damage. To this day it causes nearly constant pain. The surgeon said I would need further, more invasive surgery with 16 screws, 4 plates, and a cage around the vertebra of my lower back but there was no guarantee that I would be out of pain completely. This surgery is not an option, but I have found the medical cannabis also alleviates 90% of the pain in my lower back.

Here’s where it gets complicated.

Even though I’m no longer at the halfway house, I still have to give a urine drop each week. Recently I provided a urine that tested positive for marijuana metabolites. They say I have self-medicated, so now they say I must have a hearing to determine what they intend to do to me. It doesn’t matter that I’ve found a treatment that works for serious issues that have bothered me for years yet could not be controlled or treated by prison doctors or county health center doctors.

It took a private practitioner who recommended that I try cannabis if I do not want to be drugged and tranquilized in order to deal with my mental disabilities. In his written diagnosis and treatment plan he says he has studied me as his patient and it is clear that in his medical and professional opinion, “marijuana use and cannabinoids ARE a medical necessity for this patient.”

Even with this, it took time for my very supportive Janice to even get on board. She was strictly against my smoking marijuana, even medicinally, until she saw it work. Let me tell you, if you ever want to know if anything’s changed with yourself, ask someone who loves you deeply and spends their life with you, someone who sees you at your best AND your worst.

Janice has seen that since I’ve been using the prescribed medications, I have had no episodes. She has also seen that I have been able to continue functioning at work, in school, making crafts, and at church. All these things that I enjoy doing, I am still able to do without emotional or mental distress.

So, the question is, if you were ill and there was a remedy available, would you take it? If you were diabetic, would you take insulin? If you were injured, would you take pain medication? Have you ever suffered with PTSD or other emotional or mental illness? If so, do you take medication to help you deal with it? By the same token, would you deny a cancer patient a treatment that could relieve some of the horrible side effects of chemotherapy just because you didn’t approve of even the medical use of cannabis?

My point in all this is on Thursday, July 27^th they are going to have a hearing to determine what they want do to punish me for taking my own medical conditions in hand as I was told to do and obtaining my own medications. I am going to fight this. Not only is it wrong but I did not set out to violate any rule. I merely sought treatment for debilitating emotional and mental illness and physical pain. In plain English, let me say, no one deserves that, so stay tuned.  It’s about to get ugly and I’m in for the fight.

As you all know, my name is Walks On The Grass, and I will never give up.

~~~

Addendum: Due to the seriousness of this issue, as Steven’s editor, adopted mom and biggest supporter in his journey to wholeness, I feel compelled to offer a few thoughts of my own.

Sheltered and naïve as I was, in the years I’ve known Steven, I’ve often been a little slow on the uptake as I strived to understand the world he has lived in for so long and how it shaped his way of thinking. His sense of humor, integrity and simple honesty have been so compelling that I still find it hard to believe that he was once considered so incorrigible that he was made to spend more than 7 years of his life in solitary confinement. So many times I have listened as he grappled out loud with some problem or other. In every case, he has ultimately come to a clear and honest conclusion and made wise choices on his own behalf.

I’m grateful for one profound truth I learned from the counselors during my couple of years as an RN passing out pills to the struggling addicts in a residential rehabilitation facility. Most youngsters who turn to drugs in the first place, have gentle hearts and tender spirits that simply cannot cope with the pain of their circumstances. I count several recovering addicts among my friends, and I know each one to be exceptionally warm, talented, thoughtful individuals. Steven is no exception.

Since his release from prison I’ve been observing from afar and I know now that Steven has not wanted to worry me about his problems, so they often come out with a touch of “I’ve got this Mom, don’t worry.” There have been a few times though when I was the only one he could turn to in the midst of an anxiety crisis. It’s a helpless feeling when you know all you can do is listen and offer encouragement. Steven is one of the strongest, most determined people I’ve ever known and since Janice has been with him, all I’ve gotten were positive vibes. I wanted to believe that her presence, love and support had solved his problems. I should have considered that love alone cannot cure deep-seated PTSD so now I understand his decision to take action to find some relief for his mental and physical suffering.

Living life to the fullest – especially after so much of it has been wasted – is far more important than the ridged, shortsighted, one-size-fits-all rules set down by bureaucrats. This is just one item on the list of many thoughtful reformer’s grievances against BOP and other Federal policies that serve only to further punish long-time, older and disabled offenders by making re-entry exceedingly difficult.

Now I would like to mention a few things I think are important that Steven left out. As is documented in Part 4 of his book, Long Road Home, the months Steven spent at the halfway house were literally filled with hostilities. It seemed as though the staff felt their sworn duty was to see how much abuse it would take to break him. The progress he made toward adapting to and succeeding in this strange new world was accomplished not because of them, but rather, in spite of them.  Steven has expressed his gratitude for the kindness of other inmates who helped him learn the most basic things such as how to navigate his cell phone. He is also grateful for his family and friends who have loved him and cared about him; he has spoken endlessly about the many people who supported his efforts to help himself.

Steven does make mention of the important parts of his life, and some of the things he loves to do, and he has written about some of them. I want to add how proud I am of the fact that he is following through with each goal he has set for himself and commitments to all those who have come to his aid; indeed, he has proven himself over and over. Steven loves to sing. Though his background is rock music – yes, to this old mother, Steven is a “rock star” – but now he is using his musical and technical gifts to lift up so many people at the little Body of Christ Church of Buffalo, IL. He will also be returning to school for the fall semester, still pursuing his dream of working with troubled people, and he is now working at the Salvation Army Homeless Shelter in Springfield, IL. Given all this, I say Steven deserves to be seen for who he is in this moment, willing and able to find help and healing for his problems.

To be sure, when addiction leads to committing crimes prison will ultimately follow. That is a harsh but necessary reality and Steven would be the first to say that for him prison was the only answer. It is a known fact that psychologically speaking, the violent world of prison is not much different than the violence of war or severe natural disasters. Even after the warrior comes home or the criminal has served his time, the psychological damage will linger on. For Steven and too many others, PTSD and all that it entails is very real.

As I see it, Steven’s present and future, as it ought to be with his beloved Janice, is best described in the words of Francis Weller, psychotherapist and author who specializes in grief work, shame and addiction:

“We are the inheritors of an amazing lineage, rippling with memories of life lived intimately with bison and gazelle, raven and the night sky. We are designed to encounter this life with amazement and wonder, not resignation and endurance. This is at the very heart of our grief and sorrow. The dream of full-throated living, woven into our very being, has often been forgotten and neglected, replaced by a societal fiction of productivity and material gain. No wonder we seek distractions. Every sorrow we carry extends from the absence of what we require to stay engaged in this one wild and precious life.” Francis Weller

So, one would hope that Steven should be afforded every option for relief from his suffering so he and Janice can pick up the pieces of their shattered lives and get on with following their dreams wherever they may lead and always, always to stay fully “engaged in this one wild and precious life.” epd