Alone

Lights In the Distance. . .

Walks’ Outdate – 154 Days and Counting

By Steven Maisenbacher

Well, I just got done with the highlight of my days, talking to “Sings Many Songs” and I call her pretty much every day, to talk about this stuff or that stuff, or Ghost or just basically anything that is going on or that we have to chat about. I think that had it not been for that woman and our chats and her inspiration I would surely have lost my mind by now…or the remainder that is left. Anyway we were talking the other day and the topic of people came up and I made mention of the fact that this is the first time in my life that I will be totally on my own when I get home, no rebound relationship or significant other.

It further occurred to me that I might be better served that way, I mean after all while I still would love some female companionship when I’m out, I have been gone so long, and I will be 62 years old when I get out so I think I would rather have a talking frog. At least then I could limit my involvement. Smile. And it would be very inexpensive to maintain, heck, a few flies, a nice lily pad… But that’s not my point here. I’m talking to the fact that all my life I’ve had girlfriends and I’ve never been out in the free world as an adult without one, or at least one.

I think there was some sort of magnetic thing going on cuz I have never had a problem getting a girlfriend. Sometimes I would have been better served by listening to others about their character, but most often the heart wants what the heart wants, so this time I will be able to find myself in the strange new land that is the “free world.” Now I can try to figure it out without the pressure of trying to figure it out while in a relationship.

See I don’t think I’m gonna be ready to run right out and start looking for a girlfriend; there are too many things I’ve got to look for in myself and on my own. I think that it’ll be one of those deals where she will find me, and I’m sure to come in contact with a lot of them due to the interests I have in jewelry and music and all that, plus I am a devilishly handsome old codger. LOLOLO, but that’s always been more of a handicap.

Also in the past communicating thru the various pen pal sites, I’ve discovered that most of the females who are drawn to me are crazy as all heck and I have been involved with several over the years in here, some even from overseas. One even came here from Germany to see me, and we didn’t need more than a few hours to see we were really not as compatible as she thought we would be. I really don’t embrace the “you need to change, you need to do this, you need to do that” thing. I knew I was incapable of being “molded” into the man she wanted me to be and quickly told her I wasn’t the man she wanted me to be, that I wasn’t able to just become her ideal Mr. Right and therefore we should just end it and remain friends.

Right. Anyway, that abrupt ending taught me that love isn’t about changing for a person, it’s about self, but if the changes that one makes are better for the other person as well, then all the better, if not then as the old song goes, “Bye, Bye, too bad, so sad.” Now I don’t know where all this is heading; I do kinda sorta know what I was wanting to share but never seemed to get there, so let me do it like this. When I come home August 31, 2022 I will be entirely single, with no one to help me transition but myself and a few close friends who are always just a phone call away, but I’m not so worried about it.

See I’ve always faced every fear, every situation head on, often times racing into it helter-skelter and that’s just the way I am. And while I’m not afraid of the future, I’m scarred to death of the world that I don’t know; while I’m not afraid of getting it right, I’m worried about the stumbles along the way. Even though there is no stopping it, I’m gonna stumble over the world, and probably look like a damn fool with a phone in my hand, trying to figure it out. (First thing, how do you turn this *^$%* on??) So citizens of the world just know this, if you see a silver haired handsome old devil looking all bamboozled and confused, it’s just me, and I am exactly what I appear to be…baffled at the world. You’ve been warned…

Published by Edna Peirce Dixon

I am an elder in my 9th decade. I have lived an ordinary life, I’ve done all the ordinary and expected things, went to school, got married, raised a family, tried to be a good person. Throughout this life I have also been a seeker, an outsider by nature, always looking through cracks in the fences of life, questioning, challenging, learning, trying to make sense of the world and its conventions. Then in my golden years, as I sought to find meaning in my existence, some unexpected things happened and I’ve since learned it took a lifetime to prepare me for the challenge to come. My journey – indeed my calling - led me to come to know a remarkable man who happened to be an inmate in federal prison. Nothing could have been more foreign to my personal experience. GHOST DANCER Communicating daily for nearly nine years I had the opportunity to walk many paths with Ghost discussing our thoughts on many common interests with candor and respect. With enormous generosity Ghost has allowed me to share his wisdom and knowledge of his Native American heritage on Journeys of the Spirit. Over time, Ghost gradually revealed his life story in small bits, like scrambled pieces of some gigantic puzzle. Now, after spending more than 40 years in prison, Ghost Dancer is at last free and ready to tell his amazing personal story. As the saying goes, “you can’t make this stuff up” and as his friend and editor I can say this is a story so big that even after working with him for nearly nine years, I continue to be astonished as he shares new details my mind simply could never imagine. From the very first chapter, Ghost leads us on his journey and invites us to walk with him on his Nene Cate (Red Road). From the day he was born, a happy, loving gifted child, he endured heartbreaking sorrows, betrayals and exploitations. Through it all, Ghost fought a system determined to destroy him by any means, as he struggled to remain true to his calling. Through Ghost Dancer I also met and came to know Walks On The Grass, another federal prisoner whose story is also compelling even though very different. In Journeys of the Spirit, Walks has shared his decades-long journey from deep addiction to wholeness in LONG ROAD HOME and shared other bits of his story in ALONG THE WAY. Now as he approaches his August release into this crazy world of 2022 Walks shares his the thoughts and misgivings as he counts down to the big day in LIGHTS IN THE DISTANCE.

One thought on “Alone

  1. In 2010, after living in the national forests of the Southern Appalachians for a year, I managed to find an abandoned chicken house that had an office with a kitchenette and bathroom in it, plus power, telephone and internet connections. For the first couple of weeks, I instinctively cupped my hands to drink water out of the faucet . . . bring accustomed to scooping water out of streams for so long. LOL

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