Along the Way. . .
Experiences, Insights & Humor on the “Long Road Home”
By Steven Maisenbacher
I gotta share a secret with ya. You may not know it but sometimes when you get that “I’m not alone feeling” you’re right. See I know for a fact that Booger sneaks around “visiting” folks as he calls it. And when he does he goes invisible for a couple reasons, the first being not everyone can handle the fact that there is such a thing as a talking dog that can become invisible and walks around upright like we do. Secondly, it allows him to creep up and see what’s going on without being detected and he is a super sneaky little guy.
Like remember that time that you had French fries but all of a sudden you were at the end of em and you coulda sworn there were more in the bag? Well, there were, you were Boogerized! Or remember the time that your drink was almost full but when you went to take another drink it was half empty? Yeppers, Boogerized again. Dang ole Booger, I’m tellin ya now right here, as I live and breathe, Booger is pretty much a sneak and he is forever getting into my stuff.
Like the time I came in from work, and there he was, got my extra ball cap on, layin up in the bed, all propped up on my pillow and foam wedge, dang chocolate Santa wrappers all over the floor and in the bed, all foil shredded everywhere and strewn around like he had been tearin up and shakin a feather pillow. The danged dog looks up at me and says, “I didn’t do it.”
“C’mon Booger, I see the chocolate smeared all over your fat little furry face!”
“Naw, man, see there was a burglar in here when I came by to see how you were Walks, and I got into a terrible tussle with him, I tell ya Walks, the fur was a flyin and the candy was going everywhere, but the guy smeared this here chocolate on my face tryin to blind me as he was pummeling me and it sorta kinda stayed there and I can’t seem to lick it off cuz my tongue ain’t quite that long, and you know I’m sure, how sometimes when you’re eatin’ and you feel a little something stuck right above your mouth, ya try to get it and can’t … it’s like that.
“And as we was a fighting and carrying on, some of the foils fell into my mouth but I couldn’t get em out so I just had to chew em up a smidge. then it was easier, but then the guy was so much bigger than lil ole me that he over powered me and got away. But I was tired then and thought I better get me a moment of rest afore you got home or I woulda cleaned your cell for ya, cuz that big guy I was a tussling with sure made a heckofa mess. I just hate that he got away Walks, I did manage to chew him up pretty good bein’ that he was so much bigger than me.”
“Dang mangey mutt, I’m gonna tan your furry little fanny! Get your flea-totin, barn yard smellin behind out of my bed right this minute and take off my hat while you’re doing it! C’mon Booger that’s my good hat, silly mutt!”
POOF!!! Booger vanished. “Damnit Booger! You come back here right this minute, clean up this mess!”
But he was gone and I knew how fast he was. I was positive he had shot out the cell, across the day room and on out the door, but I also knew if he happened to see an officer on the way, that since he was Booger and already invisible that cop was gonna have a wet shoe. Sure enough, here comes the cop looking down… wondering what he spilled on his shoe. smile. Boogerized.
Now, I know these tales ain’t the longest in the world, but that’s just the lay of em. See Booger ain’t the kinda guy to hang out in any one place for a very long time, seems like he might be a little on the hyper side, unless of course he is hanging out in the tube with his (seemingly enough) main squeeze, “Candy” the prison cat. Yea, ole Booger ain’t too discerning when it comes to the ladies he will run around with. See Candy has had a rough life, pretty much spent in prison, having kittens that always seem to get spirited away by the staff around here, and she lives in a drainage pipe that runs under a sidewalks here on the compound.
She’s one of those ole scruffy brown and black stripped felines, with a poked out eye that she lost in a cat fight, and a serious kink in her tail. But hey, guys like Booger seem to think she’s the cat’s meow. Yeah, I know, bad pun. Anyway, I have seen Booger peeking his head out of her lair on more than one occasion when I am crossing the compound, usually when I’m heading to work of a morning, grumbling about how I hate my job. He will stick his head out and go, “Hey ya big dumb human, ha ha, you gotta go to work and I’m gonna hang out doin’ just what I please…” ha ha… the little so & so…
Anyway, I can tell you all sorts of stories about Booger and me and his antics if ya wanna hear em. they ain’t all long and they ain’t all short, kinda like Booger’s tail, but they are all exactly as I see em in my mixed up crazy mind… Boogerized.
© Steven “Walks On The Grass” Maisenbacher, 2021